14 things theatre managers are tired of hearing

I keep seeing these lists, and Buzzfeed is not going to make one for us, so here ya go.

I know most people don't mean anything when they say this stuff.  But here's a new way to look at things.


14 things theatre managers are tired of hearing, complete with my thoughts and possible alternative ways to get your point across.

1) What do you mean you don't have enough money? Just get a grant. 

Watch this clip and replace "jobs" with "grant".




2) So what is it you DO exactly?

Everything.  Next question.

Alternative: "There must be a lot that goes into that!" 



3) "Why is the theatre so cold?"
Ghosts.



4) From someone at the same performance, in the same theatre, sitting one row behind #3: "Why is the theatre so hot?"
Satan.



5) People's moment by moment critique of the show when we haven't asked for it.



6) "Your tickets are too expensive."
Well yeah, we have to save up for our monthly vacations to Tahiti.

Seriously though, don't say this to people. This is not retail.  We are not playing the 200% markup game.

Alternative: "Do you need volunteers for anything?" (Typically volunteers are rewarded with comp tickets.) 



7) "Wow, not very many people here." 
Would you like some more salt to rub in my wound?  (Advice: Don't say this.  We know.)

Alternative: "I really liked this.  I will make sure to let people know about it!"



8) You look tired.
I am.

Alternative: "You look gorgeous!" (This is a time when it's okay to lie.) 




9) (Calling two hours before curtain for a nearly sold out show): "What do you mean you don't have the exact seat I want available?"



10) Anything prefaced with "You really should..."

Alternative: "If I can help, please let me know."



11) "You know what you should add/take out?"

Read: "Here are my suggestions for changes to a show someone else wrote that you are contractually bound to do exactly as written."

.

12) "I've never heard of you." 

Read: "You must suck at marketing."

Alternative: "What kind of work do you do? " "Can I get on your mailing list?"  "I'll check it out." "Sounds cool!" "I have a friend who might enjoy that."  "What's your website? I'd like to know more." 


13) "The piano is too loud."


14) "I don't understand why you do so much work for so little money."

We don't either.  But without it we're incomplete.



And the one thing we will NEVER get tired of hearing:

"Thank you for the work you do."